Monday
November 28, 2011
October was a pretty trying month and it was mainly focused on a job interview in Shanghai. I flew in for the day, flew out the next afternoon and got to see just a little bit of the city enroute to hotel and the office. I nailed the interview but ultimately turned down the offer because it wasn’t good enough to tempt me to uproot. I was glad to be rid of the uncertainty and limbo, which not only included mr p but extended to considerations such as my parents’ new house and other minutiae like renewing my phone contract and signing up for more PT sessions.
So anyway in the one week between the interview and the formal offer, I was constantly imagining my life in China. There was certainly a fair bit of apprehension, some excitement and I remember thinking with relief that Shanghai at least had a real Ikea store, and it looked pretty gargantuan when I passed it on the way to the airport for the flight home. But that was that.
Anyhow after that there were a few other opportunities that came my way and I duly gave each some attention, mainly to suss out the market and to practise interviewing. I think I’m pretty good at doling out the spiel now and am comfortable talking about myself. My career might be suffering from inertia at times but I’ve never doubted that I am in a good place and it will likely continue to be that way — wherever I am — because I’m confident in my skills and competence.
On the other hand I think I have given up any expectation that things will turn out a certain way in other areas. I give up expecting that I will some day be married, I give up expecting that I will have kids. I give up the white picket fence dream. I’m not sure why but I really do feel that other people seem to have it easier than I do. I don’t know if it’s a defeatist attitude to take but that’s where I am right now. Not unhappy or downcast but a little subdued and mellow, definitely some jading going on there.
Previous Post
October 24, 2011
So right now I’m struggling with a fear of vulnerability.
To tell someone how you really feel about them, whether if it’s your heart bursting from good feelings, or how much you miss them. To simply put yourself out there, good side, bad side, gifts and flaws, knowing full well that your heart can be shattered and trampled on in an instant.
The experts and gurus say it is a risk the truly courageous take but you will never fully understand how intense it is until you find yourself on the edge with one foot of the cliff.
There are lots of things causing this fear, and i hate to admit it but mostly it comes from all the baggage of the past, all the ghosts of disappointments from before coming back to haunt me. How easy it is to get sucked in. But i realize that they are mine to bear and I have to take responsibility for them and deal with them. We are each responsible for ourselves and our well being. Realization is the easy part, what next?
So I’m going back to basics. I’m trying my hardest to take each day as it comes and not let my thoughts overrun everything. And tomorrow is a new day.
Friday
September 23, 2011
So there’s only another quarter left to the year, once again time to take stock. I haven’t been updating here as often as before because things have been humming along quite well. Also, as friends will attest, fb and I seem to have hit it off quite well.
Anyway two months in and mr P and I have slipped into something that’s very comfortable, routine even. In fact it got so comfortable so quickly that I had fleeting worries. But no use worrying about tomorrow. That’s what we have in common – being zen about what this is, what it might be. So that’s partly why it all feels very grown-up and unfussy. But I tell myself, this is it, a do over. All the lessons that I’ve learnt in the last two years, now is the time to put them into practice, and more importantly make them stick.
i’ve always believed that certain things happen for reasons we can’t fathom until much later. similarly people will drift in and out of our lives in a manner we cannot control. all we can do is just hang on for the ride, don’t hold on too tight, and scream when things get scary.
