There have been the requisite existential questions, the wheres, whys, what nexts. And there have been some realizations, which I often think is good. Coming to any sort of awakening, whether timely or delayed, is always a sign that at least one is moving somewhere.

I experienced some dissonance right around Christmas, as the impending hurtle toward 2012 jolted me into realization that I hadn’t really achieved much last year, meaning everything seemed to stagnate from 2009. That i think is partly a consequence of not setting anything concrete in advance, being of the impression at the time that adopting a laissez faire attitude toward resolutions and having no expectations can result in pleasant surprises.

Daniel Kahneman posits that our view of self and the world is shaped both by experience and memory and it is the remembering self that is the story teller of our lives through time. We don’t choose between experiences, we choose between memories of experiences. This is what distinguishes being happy in life and being happy with one’s life. We therefore think about the future not as experience but as anticipated memories.

I don’t know if there is still any advantage in thinking about future possibilities and the phrase ‘anticipated memories’ is so loaded I am loathe to even allude to it. But I have realized that self-actualization for me is more a need than a choice. So here I attempt to specify some goals. Also, it probably beats glossing over everything with a slick aphorism.

actively listen

verbalise thoughts in an elegant, if not coherent, form

practise retaining all that I learn

write more

My communication is overdue for some betterment, mainly because it is such an important means to my many ongoing ends. Also these are goals I know I can work with — though not necessarily succeed at — especially given my oft capricious nature.

As to judgement, tolerance, oversensitivity, empathy and all that heavy, good stuff, they never cease to plague me. But I can only hope that out of all this ongoing chaos, maybe one day a dancing star will emerge. Ok that last bit wasn’t really an aphorism, but it was clearly Nietzsche.

So anyway in the one week between the interview and the formal offer, I was constantly imagining my life in China. There was certainly a fair bit of apprehension, some excitement and I remember thinking with relief that Shanghai at least had a real Ikea store, and it looked pretty gargantuan when I passed it on the way to the airport for the flight home. But that was that.

Anyhow after that there were a few other opportunities that came my way and I duly gave each some attention, mainly to suss out the market and to practise interviewing. I think I’m pretty good at doling out the spiel now and am comfortable talking about myself.  My career might be suffering from inertia at times but I’ve never doubted that I am in a good place and it will likely continue to be that way — wherever I am — because I’m confident in my skills and competence.

On the other hand I think I have given up any expectation that things will turn out a certain way in other areas. I give up expecting that I will some day be married, I give up expecting that I will have kids. I give up the white picket fence dream. I’m not sure why but I really do feel that other people seem to have it easier than I do. I don’t know if it’s a defeatist attitude to take but that’s where I am right now. Not unhappy or downcast but a little  subdued and mellow, definitely some jading going on there.

To tell someone how you really feel about them, whether if it’s your heart bursting from good feelings, or how much you miss them. To simply put yourself out there, good side, bad side, gifts and flaws, knowing full well that your heart can be shattered and trampled on in an instant.

The experts and gurus say it is a risk the truly courageous take but you will never fully understand how intense it is until you find yourself on the edge with one foot of the cliff.

There are lots of things causing this fear, and i hate to admit it but mostly it comes from all the baggage of the past, all the ghosts of disappointments from before coming back to haunt me. How easy it is to get sucked in. But i realize that they are mine to bear and I have to take responsibility for them and deal with them. We are each responsible for ourselves and our well being. Realization is the easy part, what next?

So I’m going back to basics. I’m trying my hardest to take each day as it comes and not let my thoughts overrun everything. And tomorrow is a new day.

Anyway  two months in and mr P and I have slipped into something that’s very comfortable, routine even. In fact it got so comfortable so quickly that I had fleeting worries. But no use worrying about tomorrow. That’s what we have in common – being zen about what this is, what it might be. So that’s partly why it all feels very grown-up and unfussy. But I tell myself, this is it, a do over. All the lessons that I’ve learnt in the last two years, now is the time to put them into practice, and more importantly make them stick.

i’ve always believed that certain things happen for reasons we can’t fathom until much later. similarly people will drift in and out of our lives in a manner we cannot control. all we can do is just hang on for the ride, don’t hold on too tight, and scream when things get scary.

Polishing Our Hearts

We should be intent on cleansing and polishing our hearts so that they can gain release from their worries and preoccupations, the source of pain and discontent. Peace, coolness, and a bright happiness will arise within us, in the same way as when we unshackle ourselves from our encumbering burdens and debts. We’ll be free—beyond the reach of all suffering and stress.

-Ajaan Lee, “Sowing the Seeds of Freedom”