Red Rapture

And just like that it’s been a year. Last month the thought fleetingly crossed my mind, it will soon be exactly a year since I’ve been single. A key milestone to mark the survival of not just the many months that passed but also all the relevant birthdays, anniversaries and holidays.

As it turns out the day in question was my grandmother’s funeral and I was too busy and emotionally wound up to even realise it until the aftermath. I’m sure there is a deeper meaning to this coincidence, a synchronicity I have yet figured out.

I have seldom talked about this thing that broke me. The sadness and hurt and anger of someone leaving me. The emotional attachment that I desperately wanted to be severed deftly and swiftly. The blow to my self esteem.

I didnt want to give it any more attention than it deserved, i didnt want to fall into the trap of being weak, or in an attempt to salvage some pride, give the impression that life wasnt going swimmingly. But everyone knows it was like the big elephant in the corner I was trying to conceal.

It was tough, and still is in some ways.

There were dreams that would recur, places I had to stop frequenting, routines I changed. But these were easy, the easiest.

The hard part was convincing myself there was a reason for all of this, to move from self blame to acceptance, to figure out the lessons I was meant to learn, to let go with love.

And the pain. I wanted to stop the pain. I filled the emptiness with a lot of doing and going so I wouldn’t have to deal with the feeling. But that is like running away, it doesn’t work. So I finally just let it wash over me and soon I reached the point where I could go no lower. And one day it just went away, as if I got so used to it I didn’t even notice it any more.

And because the powers up there do not take without giving something in return, plenty of good has come from this:

Learning to restore balance in my life

Letting others in, not just one

Examining who I am and where I want to be

I know I can dissolve the facade of aloofness I instinctively put up and let my light and gifts shine through

My heart has grown ten times bigger and it’s not only gotten stronger, but softer as well

Having faith in life, people and everything around me

This was the entry I meant to write at the start of the year, I guess i just wasn’t ready. Maybe it’s the effect of 立春 or just that time of year to be older and wiser but, I think I’m going to be ok. Probably even more than ok.

Life has been devoid of excitement, which I’m totally comfortable with. I haven’t had the urge to plan holidays — I have not even booked my tickets for next month’s trip — or to fill my days with extraordinary activities. The past few weeks have been about regrouping, slowing down (ironic at the start of the year, I know) and a lot of reflection.

I did get a bit negative because I probably attached more symbolism to the start of the year than I cared to admit. And then the calendar changed, but nothing else did, everything seemed to be the same. And the thought of going through another year like 2009 just really put me in a funk.

But I’ve snapped out of that mindset now. What really helped was going back to the basics of what I’ve been doing the last 12 months. Reminders that whoever is up there never gives us more than we can handle, that growth and change are constants in life.

And of course this year will be very different, because I’m different. The changes happened very subtly and gradually but over time, I think they’ve been quite significant. If one compared me now with a year ago, I would be a very different person, I think. Do you agree?

We are all encouraged to live in the present and not build castles in the air for the future. But it helps to envision what our lives will be like years from now. It puts things into perspective and teaches us not to take them so seriously.

Why is there such a rush to achieve so many quantifiable and tangible things by the time we reach a certain age or milestone?  What will we do with the rest of our lives? If something didn’t go as planned today, or this week, or even this year, will it still matter as much 10 years from now? We have so much time to learn and re-sit these tests.

Having said that, I still don’t have a life plan, because the future is so unknowable. But there are worse afflictions in life, so, everything in its time.