There have been the requisite existential questions, the wheres, whys, what nexts. And there have been some realizations, which I often think is good. Coming to any sort of awakening, whether timely or delayed, is always a sign that at least one is moving somewhere.

I experienced some dissonance right around Christmas, as the impending hurtle toward 2012 jolted me into realization that I hadn’t really achieved much last year, meaning everything seemed to stagnate from 2009. That i think is partly a consequence of not setting anything concrete in advance, being of the impression at the time that adopting a laissez faire attitude toward resolutions and having no expectations can result in pleasant surprises.

Daniel Kahneman posits that our view of self and the world is shaped both by experience and memory and it is the remembering self that is the story teller of our lives through time. We don’t choose between experiences, we choose between memories of experiences. This is what distinguishes being happy in life and being happy with one’s life. We therefore think about the future not as experience but as anticipated memories.

I don’t know if there is still any advantage in thinking about future possibilities and the phrase ‘anticipated memories’ is so loaded I am loathe to even allude to it. But I have realized that self-actualization for me is more a need than a choice. So here I attempt to specify some goals. Also, it probably beats glossing over everything with a slick aphorism.

actively listen

verbalise thoughts in an elegant, if not coherent, form

practise retaining all that I learn

write more

My communication is overdue for some betterment, mainly because it is such an important means to my many ongoing ends. Also these are goals I know I can work with — though not necessarily succeed at — especially given my oft capricious nature.

As to judgement, tolerance, oversensitivity, empathy and all that heavy, good stuff, they never cease to plague me. But I can only hope that out of all this ongoing chaos, maybe one day a dancing star will emerge. Ok that last bit wasn’t really an aphorism, but it was clearly Nietzsche.

To tell someone how you really feel about them, whether if it’s your heart bursting from good feelings, or how much you miss them. To simply put yourself out there, good side, bad side, gifts and flaws, knowing full well that your heart can be shattered and trampled on in an instant.

The experts and gurus say it is a risk the truly courageous take but you will never fully understand how intense it is until you find yourself on the edge with one foot of the cliff.

There are lots of things causing this fear, and i hate to admit it but mostly it comes from all the baggage of the past, all the ghosts of disappointments from before coming back to haunt me. How easy it is to get sucked in. But i realize that they are mine to bear and I have to take responsibility for them and deal with them. We are each responsible for ourselves and our well being. Realization is the easy part, what next?

So I’m going back to basics. I’m trying my hardest to take each day as it comes and not let my thoughts overrun everything. And tomorrow is a new day.

that’s what i’ve been thinking lately. when are things are right, they’re simple. and they’re good.

But I’m still waiting, still holding out for something greater to happen. Some big bang that suddenly hits, something definitive that will tell me what my purpose in life is.

what if, in choosing to practise faith and perseverance and to  live each day as it comes, you stop caring or even daring to dream about bigger things in life, things that matter, and things that you know mean more than you could ever imagine? What happens when you keep believing something will come forth and in the end nothing does? How can life be reduced thus?

and the best thing is, yesterday and today were already awesome.

So recently I’ve been dealing with feelings again. Not drama queen or overly emotional type of feelings but just trying to get out of my head and into the heart instead. To recognize the spectrum of emotions from positive to negative and not to rationalize them or assign logic or try to will them away. To just feel sad, joyous, dejected, disappointed, excited whenever they come up. And i’ve realized how difficult it is to put feelings into words sometimes. I just feel discomfort somewhere. But where? in the heart? in the gut? And what type of discomfort? It is easy to feel angry or rage at someone or a situation but often it is more difficult to pinpoint the underlying feeling — frustration, hurt, neglect, or being marginalized.

The other thing I’m trying to deal with is to realize that it is ok to get affected by someone’s actions or words. The important thing is not to act out on them, wilfully or in retaliation. Just feel the emotions. In other words, to focus on me and not the external thing.

I think this is a major lesson I was meant to learn in life and it is not easy for me. But I’ve decided it is necessary because this is about building trust in myself, so that I can in turn trust others enough to be vulnerable to them. If they should hurt me, then I know that I will still be intact and I will still be standing when they’re gone.

So far, still a work in progress…

The prayer wheel is used by Tibetan Buddhists. Often the prayer om mani padme hum is inscribed or rolled into the drum of the wheel. By chanting the prayer or spinning the wheel, the self is awash in peace and compassion and we are urged to extend loving kindness to ourselves and to everyone around us. We visualize ourselves as the Buddha himself, moving from samsara to detachment and enlightenment. I find it a vital reminder for everything in life.