Monday
February 15, 2010
For about three weeks now I’ve been experiencing what is known as meralgia paresthetica, or entrapment of the lateral femoral cutaneous nerve (LFCN). Basically the layman explanation is that I’ve pinched a sensory nerve somewhere along my right thigh and I’m now suffering from diminished sensation along the outside — practically from my knee to about a foot and a half up. It’s actually a pretty common disorder. Some people get it when they put on a lot of weight, become pregnant or wear too-tight clothes (none of which apply to me!).
I know the exact moment when I probably damaged the nerve. It was a Sunday and I pushed myself a little too hard doing a crescent moon pose during yoga. Releasing from the stance, I felt this unfamiliar pain and discomfort shooting down my thigh but it eased somewhat after that. According to medical journals, what happens is that blood flow is constricted due to the entrapped position of the ligament where the nerve is found, resulting in numbness or a burning pain.
The doctor said two weeks ago there is no immediate cure and gave me a bunch of anti inflammation pills which I’ve long consumed. He said I just have to wait for it to heal on its own.
Because it only affects sensation and doesn’t impede any of my motor skills, I sometimes forget I’m supposed to ease off on pressure and excessive weight bearing activities around the area. I’ve been going to the gym everyday, treadmilling, cardiowaving, bicycling. Not forgetting yoga twice a week.
From time to time, I run my hand along my outer thigh just to see if I can feel it. It’s a very odd and altered sensation. I can vaguely feel something but not the exact texture of my hand. I can’t feel itch or pain and I wouldn’t know if my leg fell asleep from sitting in a cramped position for too long. Very weird, get better already.
Thursday
June 18, 2009
Not long ago, I asked on this space: “Who am I?”
If someone asked you that question, what would you say? Who are you really?Are you defined by your job or your social status or your relationships in life or your aspirations?
I thought perhaps it’s first worth exploring who and what I am not.
- I am not my thoughts.
- I am not my emotions.
- I am not my feelings.
- I am not my likes.
- I am not my dislikes.
- I am not my parents.
- I am not my loved ones.
- I am not my job.
- I am not my hatreds.
- I am not my physical appearance.
- I am not my memories.
- I am not my history.
- I am not my hopes.
- I am not my mistakes.
- I am not my race.
- I am not my age bracket.
- I am not my mind.
- I am not my attachments.
- I am not my perceptions.
- I am not my reactions.
- I am not my reputation.
- I am not my ego.
All these things are not me. They are descriptions of me and are part of my life situation. But they are not my life because none of these are permanent. They come and go, they fade with time. And in the end I will be left with just my core self.
So I simply am. When all these filters are gone, I know that only my heart and being will be left. And I hope they will be shining with pure consciousness and presence. But I am not there yet so right now the work lies in turning unconsciousness into consciousness and always being vigilant that my mind does not maketh me.
Thursday
May 21, 2009
Just realised I’ve been running at full speed on all fronts for quite a while now. Busy with work, busy with family, very busy socially. It’s like I can hear some GA in my head going “Please keep your hands and feet in the vehicle at all times, because this is going to be one hell of a ride!”
There are so many things I want to do but can’t seem to find the time for. They’ll have to wait, one thing at a time. The other day I thought it was a bit ridiculous that I told a friend who wanted to have a casual dinner that I could pencil him in for the second week of June. Like wth??
On the self front, I’m learning to set boundaries with everything and everyone around me. This is something that was mentioned briefly during my sessions but I did not dwell on it until later. It’s about protecting myself and not getting hurt, frustrated, disappointed by the actions of others.
It’s about knowing that I value myself and that I deserve to be treated in a respectful and honorable manner. It’s about learning to say no and standing up for myself and not letting others walk all over me, whether it be at home, at work, or elsewhere. It is hard to set boundaries that you know involve some sort of assertion on your part because usually the outcome is not pleasant. There will be reactions and conflict because you let the other person know that they have crossed the line and are encroaching on your boundary and it upsets them because it seems like you’re not willing to help them or do things for them.
But here lies the other important lesson i’ve learned, that I am just responsible for myself, and other people are responsible for themselves. Such an easy concept on paper, but so hard to grasp. But I’ve stopped believing that other people have power over me emotionally, that they can guilt me into doing things or feeling things I don’t want to do. No one can cause me to feel shame, unhappiness, pain, guilt or despair. Only I am responsible for my feelings and emotions.
Similarly I am not responsible for other people’s unhappiness, heartbreak, anger. There is no such thing as “You make me so angry” or “You hurt me so much” because it’s just not true. Nobody hurt them, they just allowed their feelings to overwhelm them. I realise I’ve been punishing myself for so long just trying to anticipate what other people’s reactions will be if i did or didn’t do something. By feeling responsible for what they felt or how they would feel, I shortchanged myself on so many fronts and sometimes even tried to be someone I wasn’t. Leaving all of that chaos behind now. Remember that, we are all only responsible for ourselves.
