But in the last two weeks since getting back to the gym, I’m struck by how quickly the body can bounce back. Today’s BFA indicated that I’ve added about 500 g in overall weight, but lost 600g of fat mass so that means an addition of over 1kg to fat free mass.  i really hope most of that is water.

Honestly this has been a really busy month, much more hectic than I expected so I haven’t been keeping all my appointments. But I made it back again on Sunday, despite my DOMS. Lost a fair bit of muscle in my off month so we are starting everything light again. 180 lbs on the leg press, 70 lbs on squat rack. My lack of exercise shocked Allan so, he even put me on the treadmill for a while yesterday.

My lats were already aching since Friday after PT and one hour of tennis with sx yesterday left me with an achey right arm and wrist, but I’m surprised we didn’t suck too badly after the long hiatus. There were even some moments of brilliance  and maybe two shots where my double backhand didn’t disappoint. Now that I consider a great success.  Great to see my arms are so much stronger now — I can stand at the baseline and hit all the way across.

Today I ditched both PT and yoga because I suddenly had a crazy urge to head all the way down to Macritchie for a run. It’s so darned far away that it took me the entire afternoon, both bus journeys were twice the actual on-trail time. But it was nice and not so hot under the shady canopy of the trail leading up to the HSBC treetop walk. Went in at 2.45pm and emerged an hour later. Running on trail is not easy and I think I only covered a miserable 5km. And by evening I could feel my calves starting to hurt.

Ended the day with a nice chat with Dorothea over fruity Starbucks drinks. She’s being a total taitai now before baby David is born. She is due this month but she still looks so tiny!

And yoga tonight!

Sigh

So the routine was either a run along the beach or hitting the machines at the gym, interspersed with twice weekly yoga with J, topo’s one-time intern who now teaches yoga. Those yoga sessions are a blast, I love doing them outdoors and she changes the routine every time so it’s not boring. I swear I was on the verge of tears on Sunday when we did this squat-ty pose, can’t remember what animal it was named after. Usually I just breathe deep and try and hold on while simultaneously making a face so she’ll count a little faster.  But this time my quads were BURNING so much I just collapsed halfway.

So anyway after all this insane exercise, I was very discouraged to find out that my ass had expanded, making quite a few pairs of pants very snug.

I’ve been fretting about this the past week and reading all kinds of articles and online forums brought up by the search words ‘exercising but getting fat’ or ‘getting fatter with exercise’. I know the whole drill about gaining more weight because muscle weighs more than fat yadah yadah yadah but hello, not fitting my clothes is serious shit in my book. And not fitting them because I’ve been exercising and watching what I eat is an even more perplexing issue.

I still haven’t figured out why. I guess there’s more definition in my thighs and my bum is perkier, which is why my pants are tighter. But it is little comfort because all my life — since puberty at least — I have longed to downsize my derriere and make it flat like a pancake. Becoming an Asian J Lo or Beyonce size-wise was never one of my childhood ambitions.

But after reading all these online resources, I’ve decided I should give resistance training a shot and not focus 90% of my workouts on cardio and endurance. So for the first time last night, I ran 1km to warm up on the treadmill and spent the next 75 minutes using free weights and the weight machines. The aim of all this is to build stronger muscles that will help raise my basal metabolic rate. Instead of sticking to the old lightweights and doing multiple repetitions, I’m going to try and increase the loads because that’s the only way to break down and rebuild muscle mass.

Another reason to weight train is to try to minimize muscle loss and maximise fat loss while on a restricted diet. i used to think it was all about the calorie deficit, but hadn’t really given a thought to what was actually being lost. Our bodies are quite cunning and can slow down metabolism or increase fat stores once we cut down our calories to below a certain level. Apparently if my aim is to lose fat and not lose weight (fat plus muscle), then it’s important to keep up with strength training and to work the muscles to a certain intensity during cardio, preferably through interval training. It’s all so very complicated.

I know the exact moment when I probably damaged the nerve. It was a Sunday and I pushed myself a little too hard doing a crescent moon pose during yoga. Releasing from the stance, I felt this unfamiliar pain and discomfort shooting down my thigh but it eased somewhat after that. According to medical journals, what happens is that blood flow is constricted due to the entrapped position of the ligament where the nerve is found, resulting in numbness or a burning pain.

The doctor said two weeks ago there is no immediate cure and gave me a bunch of anti inflammation pills which I’ve long consumed. He said I just have to wait for it to heal on its own.

Because it only affects sensation and doesn’t impede any of my motor skills, I sometimes forget I’m supposed to ease off on pressure and excessive weight bearing activities around the area. I’ve been going to the gym everyday, treadmilling, cardiowaving, bicycling. Not forgetting yoga twice a week.

From time to time, I run my hand along my outer thigh just to see if I can feel it. It’s a very odd and altered sensation. I can vaguely feel something but not the exact texture of my hand. I can’t feel itch or pain and I wouldn’t know if my leg fell asleep from sitting in a cramped position for too long. Very weird, get better already.

If someone asked you that question, what would you say? Who are you really?Are you defined by your job or your social status or your relationships in life or your aspirations?

I thought perhaps it’s first worth exploring who and what I am not.

• I am not my thoughts.
• I am not my emotions.
• I am not my feelings.
• I am not my likes.
• I am not my dislikes.
• I am not my parents.
• I am not my loved ones.
• I am not my job.
• I am not my hatreds.
• I am not my physical appearance.
• I am not my memories.
• I am not my history.
• I am not my hopes.
• I am not my mistakes.
• I am not my race.
• I am not my age bracket.
• I am not my mind.
• I am not my attachments.
• I am not my perceptions.
• I am not my reactions.
• I am not my reputation.
• I am not my ego.

All these things are not me. They are descriptions of me and are part of my life situation. But they are not my life because none of these are permanent. They come and go, they fade with time. And in the end I will be left with just my core self.

So I simply am. When all these filters are gone, I know that only my heart and being will be left. And I hope they will be shining with pure consciousness and presence. But I am not there yet so right now the work lies in turning unconsciousness into consciousness and always being vigilant that my mind does not maketh me.

There are so many things I want to do but can’t seem to find the time for. They’ll have to wait, one thing at a time. The other day I thought it was a bit ridiculous that I told a friend who wanted to have a casual dinner that I could pencil him in for the second week of June. Like wth??

On the self front, I’m learning to set boundaries with everything and everyone around me. This is something that was mentioned briefly during my sessions but I did not dwell on it until later. It’s about protecting myself and not getting hurt, frustrated, disappointed by the actions of others.

It’s about knowing that I value myself and that I deserve to be treated in a respectful and honorable manner. It’s about learning to say no and standing up for myself and not letting others walk all over me, whether it be at home, at work, or elsewhere. It is hard to set boundaries that you know involve some sort of assertion on your part because usually the outcome is not pleasant. There will be reactions and conflict because you let the other person know that they have crossed the line and are encroaching on your boundary and it upsets them because it seems like you’re not willing to help them or do things for them.

But here lies the other important lesson i’ve learned, that I am just responsible for myself, and other people are responsible for themselves. Such an easy concept on paper, but so hard to grasp. But I’ve stopped believing that other people have power over me emotionally, that they can guilt me into doing things or feeling things I don’t want to do. No one can cause me to feel shame, unhappiness, pain, guilt or despair. Only I am responsible for my feelings and emotions.

Similarly I am not responsible for other people’s unhappiness, heartbreak, anger. There is no such thing as “You make me so angry” or “You hurt me so much” because it’s just not true. Nobody hurt them, they just allowed their feelings to overwhelm them. I realise I’ve been punishing myself for so long just trying to anticipate what other people’s reactions will be if i did or didn’t do something. By feeling responsible for what they felt or how they would feel, I shortchanged myself on so many fronts and sometimes even tried to be someone I wasn’t. Leaving all of that chaos behind now. Remember that, we are all only responsible for ourselves.

It has been hard.

One of the most difficult things to do is to attempt to change the belief systems that you have grown up with your whole life. But I have made a promise to myself that I will live the life that I dream of without fear. For example, it is so difficult to make myself believe that it is ok to make mistakes and that it is ok to fail. Failure is not shameful, it is what we make of it and how we pick ourselves up that defines us.

If i have one aim in in this life, it is to have it full and varied. And that means living in the moment — leaving the past behind and not worrying about the future. Every minute that I spend rehashing what happened yesterday, or fretting about what tomorrow brings, I am squandering the chance to live for today.

So just for my reference, today’s session focused on potency, permission, protection and finding a new parent. And in this one sentence alone, lies a ton of work to be done. This is adapted from John Bradshaw’s work on reclaiming one’s inner child.

Our wounded inner child is the one that prevents us from doing whatever we want. When I think twice about doing something because I fear someone will be displeased, that is not me talking, that is my 8 year old self talking. When I become afraid to speak up or stand up for myself in the presence of someone with authority, that is my 8 year old self thinking. This is where all the irrational fears come in.

So the ‘good’ coping mechanism, — rather than regression or repression, which I have been doing — is to empower and protect the inner child in me. To love that part of me and to reassure it unconditionally so that it can feel safe and my adult self can connect and control it, rather than letting it be controlled by external influences ie reclaiming my inner child.

This of course leads to the ultimate question of  “Who am I?” But I haven’t figured that out yet. I’m  slowly getting there but I don’t have all the answers.

Reading all this back, it sounds like a big pile of pyschobabble and baloney but it definitely helps to know that these ‘afflictions’ are common, because we all come from dysfunctional backgrounds, to some extent. We are all flawed in some way. It is not wrong, and there is no blame. It just is.