And just like that it’s been a year. Last month the thought fleetingly crossed my mind, it will soon be exactly a year since I’ve been single. A key milestone to mark the survival of not just the many months that passed but also all the relevant birthdays, anniversaries and holidays.
As it turns out the day in question was my grandmother’s funeral and I was too busy and emotionally wound up to even realise it until the aftermath. I’m sure there is a deeper meaning to this coincidence, a synchronicity I have yet figured out.
I have seldom talked about this thing that broke me. The sadness and hurt and anger of someone leaving me. The emotional attachment that I desperately wanted to be severed deftly and swiftly. The blow to my self esteem.
I didnt want to give it any more attention than it deserved, i didnt want to fall into the trap of being weak, or in an attempt to salvage some pride, give the impression that life wasnt going swimmingly. But everyone knows it was like the big elephant in the corner I was trying to conceal.
It was tough, and still is in some ways.
There were dreams that would recur, places I had to stop frequenting, routines I changed. But these were easy, the easiest.
The hard part was convincing myself there was a reason for all of this, to move from self blame to acceptance, to figure out the lessons I was meant to learn, to let go with love.
And the pain. I wanted to stop the pain. I filled the emptiness with a lot of doing and going so I wouldn’t have to deal with the feeling. But that is like running away, it doesn’t work. So I finally just let it wash over me and soon I reached the point where I could go no lower. And one day it just went away, as if I got so used to it I didn’t even notice it any more.
And because the powers up there do not take without giving something in return, plenty of good has come from this:
Learning to restore balance in my life
Letting others in, not just one
Examining who I am and where I want to be
I know I can dissolve the facade of aloofness I instinctively put up and let my light and gifts shine through
My heart has grown ten times bigger and it’s not only gotten stronger, but softer as well
Having faith in life, people and everything around me
This was the entry I meant to write at the start of the year, I guess i just wasn’t ready. Maybe it’s the effect of 立春 or just that time of year to be older and wiser but, I think I’m going to be ok. Probably even more than ok.
